On the Cycles of Bipolar Disorder

On The Cycles of Bipolar

I never thought that I would feel scared about feeling happy.

I never thought that apprehension would kick in the moment I feel more energetic, more excited, more alive.

But now I do.  I’m beginning to recognise the signs.

And I start to wonder if I will be thrown back into the cycle, circing higher and higher before I inevitably fall back down, lower than I’ve ever been before.

Because the low periods do get worse each time they come. A little bit of hope dissipates each time. Faith in justice and in fairness ebbs with each crash.

For now, I’m happy.  Happier than I’ve been for months so I’ll take it.  With apprehension.

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15 thoughts on “On the Cycles of Bipolar Disorder

  1. what a strange condition we have that happiness would come with so much self-examination and apprehension. you stated how perfectly how i have felt so many times in the past. i wish it was the other way around, i wish i could doubt the lies that the down cycles fill my brain with and enjoy living on what i call baseline with out constantly worrying if i am amping up for a manic cycle.

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    1. Thanks for commenting Veronica and sorry to hear it resonates with you. You’re right, it would be nice to be able to doubt the lies you tell yourself when down. Although for me the low bits are filled with self doubt so maybe there’s not enough space for more 🙂

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  2. I can relate to this post, I’m always questioning myself these days when I feel good. And it almost feels like I’m punishing myself, like I’m not allowed to be happy because of the risk of mania.

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  3. Hello, I do not have bi-polar but I do have profound depression and anxiety. I, too, have noticed how fearful I’ve become of happiness, or even normalcy. I fear that it will be taken away as soon as it comes. Thank you so much for writing this, and I’m so sorry you suffer. – Rachel

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